Occasionally, I have to fight the urge to buy a pregnancy test even though I know that there is a baby in there. I just want the reassurance. It seems impossible or like a mistake that everyone is making. It is not so much that I think that something has happened to make me not pregnant (although there is that fear as well), it is that I was never in the first place, that I have somehow convinced myself, husband, doctor, and ultrasound tech that I am in fact pregnant. The ultrasound helped to convince me, but it all seems so unreal still. I bought a fetal heart rate monitor just so I could hear that wonderful sound between doctor appointments.
Maybe it's because I don't feel different enough, besides the food aversions, growing belly, my inability to roll onto my stomach or pull my knee up to my chest, my thinking and life isn't different enough considering how fundamentally it is going to be rocked in a few short months. I am thinking that by the time I can't tie my shoes it will have sunk in.
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I am morbid beyond all and convinced myself all the way up until the very end that something horrible had happened. I bought pregnancy tests until she was big enough that if I poked her she would kick back. I think that the unknown and 'sinking in' being rough is true for (nearly)everyone. At least, I hope it is.
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